Keith and the Country Getaway almost
by Keith-Starbright-Exists
Summary: Here we go again, this is a kinda Suzi centric chapter just to warn you! Had to be done!
1. To Hogwarts!

Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)  
  
Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists  
  
Genre: General/Comedy  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts. Watch out for Charlotte she wants to get around!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright nor "Lithium" by Nirvana so don't sue please  
  
Dedications: To Becca, couldn't have done it without u, Charlotte thanks for being blonde and Joe it wouldn't have been the same without the sweets that are pink with silver streaks  
  
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One day Keith woke up and decided to go into the country on holiday. So he travelled to England on a bright orange aeroplane with his best mate Suzi (aka Satan). They got into London and decided to rent a car from the rent-a- car booth at the airport. Keith had lots of money so he payed whilst Suzi glared at the sales clerk. The petrified young man gave Suzi and Keith a black Jaguar with the license plate 'GTH GRL' on it. Suzi drove manically towards Withnell near Chorley, her old home town. On the way, Suzi and Keith picked up Becca and Charlotte and invited them along on their country getaway, they immediately agreed. After Becca and Charlotte were strapped to the back of the car with purple and black flashing rope, they set off again. Once they were in Withnell. Suzi parked the car in front of her wife's house where she barged past the iguana shaped neighbours and rescued her wife from a monkey called Dave. Dave got angry and started crying for his mate, Jennifer. A big, fat, hairy ape came and offered her services to Dave, this was Jennifer.  
  
When Wifery climbed onto the back of the car, Keith touched her ass n then kissed it. Wifery was pleased and went back to tying herself up.  
  
Off they went again this time towards their destination, St John's in the vale. Suddenly, they crashed into a wall, but instead of smashing up the car they flew through it and landed near the Hogwarts Express. They were on platform 9 ¾. Becca and Suzi jumped for joy and said,  
  
"Lets go to Hogwarts!" The others agreed and they silently sneaked onto the train and found a free compartment. Keith wanted a Chocolate Frog and Charlotte wanted some Butterbeer because she was starting to feel sober. So off they went to find the snack trolley, leaving the others chattering away excitedly.  
  
Without warning. The train lurched forward and stopped, sending the three remaining occupants into a state of despair.  
  
"That shouldn't have happened" said Wifery.  
  
"I know that you schnitt!" exclaimed Suzi whilst rubbing her ass which felt like she had been in the mosh pit at the gig on Saturday night.  
  
"I can see the birdies!" Becca said whilst toppling over again.  
  
"Uh-oh, I think she's concussed" stated Wifery "Hospital wing for her." Keith and Charlotte came back and asked whether anyone knew what was going on.  
  
A dark shadow suddenly descended over the crowded compartment as a figure in a long black cloak swept towards them.  
  
"Expecto Patronum!" a voice shouted from behind the figure. A silver stag came out of nowhere and chased the figure away.  
  
As everyone caught their breath, the person who had shouted stepped out of the shadows and introduced himself.  
  
"I'm Harry Potter and if I'm not wrong you've never been on the Hogwarts Express before?"  
  
"Well you would be correct in your assumption, Becca and I wanted to go to Hogwarts" Suzi said whilst indicating herself and Becca "This is Keith Starbright, Charlotte, Wifery, Becca and I'm Suzi"  
  
"Nice to meet...." His sentence trailed off as three new voices joined the conversation.  
  
"Harry! We're so glad that your still alive, did you see those dementors?" exclaimed a girl with shocking red hair.  
  
"Yes I did! Had to frighten one off of these lot" he said indicating the brat pack. After Ron, Hermione and Ginny had been introduced to the brat pack, the train had started to move towards Hogwarts once again.  
  
Once they had reached Hogwarts they all climbed into a carriage and sat having a light conversation until they finally reached the castle.  
  
The brat pack set off to find Professor Dumbledore in his office after dropping Becca off at the hospital wing where she had started a rather interesting conversation with Luna Lovegood about trying to get singing lessons with Sirius Black.  
  
Later on, Neville Longbottom walked in trying to hide some flowers behind his back. He walked up to Luna and said  
  
"Here, these are for you" all the while he was blushing like a big beetroot. Becca in her state of unsubtlenessnessnessnessisingly said  
  
"Awwwwwwwww Luna give Neville a big kiss its obvious he likes you" all the time dancing around her bed until Madame Pomfrey caught Becca by the scruff of her t-shirt and dragged her back to her hospital bed.  
  
Meanwhile in other parts of the castle, Charlotte had finally found Dumbledore's office with the help of a very scared 5th year student. She said the password (firewhiskey) and climbed the stairs only stopping to knock briefly on the door. A deep voice told her to enter. The man in front of her looked just like Brad Pitt with an ass like Orlando Bloom (Drink clouds judgement). Her first words were  
  
"Dumbledore, you sexy beast!" before she forced herself on him.  
  
"Will you marry me, intoxicated blonde girl?" he asked after a lot of naughty things. She agreed after finding out that Dumbledore owned a lot of land and many bank accounts full of galleons. They used a portkey and travelled to a church in Mianus where they got married whilst having hot monkey sex.  
  
Back at the castle the remaining members of the brat pack teamed up with the trio plus one and went to the Griffindor common room where Hermione and Ron went up to his dorm room to do naughty things and Ginny and Keith went to a dark corner to "talk". Leaving Harry, Wifery and Suzi sitting rather uncomfortably on the floor near the fire.  
  
After a while of boredom, Wifery decided to go find the kitchens whilst Harry and Suzi went to visit Becca and Luna in the hospital wing.  
  
When they reached the hospital wing, they heard manic giggling coming from inside. Madame Pomfrey was lying on her back fast asleep whilst Becca and Luna were jumping around to Nirvana's "Lithium".  
  
After settling them both in their own beds and laying Madame Pomfrey in a spare one. Becca suddenly grabbed hold of Harry's cloak and snogged him senseless, well she was senseless because she had collapsed, he looked very perturbed.  
  
Whilst Harry and Suzi walked back to the Griffindor tower, Wifery had found someone to show her how to put two golden snitches and a wand in her mouth, this was Draco Malfoy.  
  
Dumbledore and Charlotte were back from their honeymoon (apparently he was a 30 second kinda guy) and Charlotte got bored so she wanted something different. She walked down the corridor and towards the dungeons where she met Pansy Parkinson, now this was someone who could give her something different. After a bit of fooling in the broom closet, Charlotte caught sight of Harry and Suzi heading her way, she decided to rape Harry. Step one knock out Suzi, step two rape Harry. Simple? I think not. As she went to knock Suzi out, Dumbledore came behind her and asked  
  
"Charlotte sweetie what are you doing out of bed?" She didn't know how to react so she followed him back to his bed where she dreamed of one day capturing Harry Potter in her grasps and of course the most important bit, knocking out Suzi.  
  
The next morning on their way to breakfast, Suzi, Keith and Becca (who was feeling better) saw Cho Chang walking their way. With only a furtive glance between them they crowded round Cho and brought out their hidden llamas from under their cloaks and hit her over the head with them. Once she was unconscious they brought out machetes and chopped her to pieces, scattering her remains all over the castle walls.  
  
At breakfast, Becca was having a rapid conversation with Luna about something or other who, by the way was holding Neville's hand and every so often looked up suggestively. Wifery was sitting under the Slytherin table doing *something*, Ginny and Keith were completely oblivious to the world as hands and mouths went everywhere. Ron and Hermione were nowhere to be seen and Charlotte was sitting under the teachers table. Let's just hope that she got the right chair.  
  
"Everyone is so into each other at the moment, Ron and Hermione, Ginny and Keith, Neville and Luna, even Snape looks like he's getting some." Harry said as he and Suzi were walking back to the Gryffindor tower to get a forgotten book before going back to breakfast.  
  
"I know, maybe there's some new drug going round that we haven't got out hands on yet!" said Suzi "or maybe we're just loners with no one to have fun with"  
  
"I'm thinking we're not the latter" he said as he reached over and pinned Suzi to the couch. (You can guess what happened next) 15 minutes later, Suzi and Harry came out of the portrait hole and into the great hall just in time to hear Dumbledore's last statement.  
  
"Voldermort is at Hogwarts!" Many screamed at this revelation, heads of houses were told to escort students back to their dorms, whilst the brat pack and trio + Neville, Luna, Ginny and Draco went to Dumbledore, who had beckoned them over.  
  
"All of you together have the ability to defeat our poor lil Voldie, with Harry's powerful wand, Hermione's books, Ron and Ginny's blinding hair, Draco's gay monkeys (Crabbe and Goyle), Keith's ability to rape people, Becca's pegs, Suzi's evilness, Wifery's ability to make nee nor noises and Charlotte's drunkenessness and Joe Taylor's addiction to sweets that are pink with sliver streaks in them you can defeat him" Dumbledore explained pointing to a new and very interesting character who waves weirdly "Oh yes one more thing that will enable your survival, all loose ends must be cleared up" he reaches into the pocket of his cloak and pulls out a mobile phone into which he shouts  
  
"Freddy!!!" after which a small green person climbs out of the phone and does a little dance.  
  
"Freddy!!!" Becca and Suzi shout running over to the phone "You found him!!!" After this shocking revelation that Freddy was indeed in Dumbledore's phone, they set out to kill Voldie.  
  
Voldermort was riding a giant chocolate milkshake, giggling whilst shaking his jelly tots at everyone. Joe Taylor walks in and pushes Voldermort off his giant chocolate milkshake and nicks all the jelly tots that are pink with silver streaks. He then runs off to stalk Wifery. Becca pegs Voldie to the floor, whilst Harry sticks his wand in his face (dirty minds), Ginny and Ron aim their hair at him, Hermione throws books at him, Suzi calls him a girl and other such nasty comments, Wifery deafens him by making nee nor noises, Keith rapes him many times, Draco sets his gay monkeys on him (they hump him and other such nasty things) and Charlotte throws up all over him. He screams in pain and turns to ash. Voldie is dead!!!  
  
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Many may think that since they've now killed him that this is the end of their story, they will live happily ever after, you could not be any more wrong. They will go on doing naughty things, killing people, raping people and getting into some pretty bad situations. Look out for the sequel!  
  
Ciao  
  
Suzi xxx 


	2. What Happened Next

Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)  
  
Author: Freddy's-Life aka Suzi's deputy  
  
Genre: General/Comedy  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: : Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts. Watch out for Charlotte she wants to get around!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing for JKR's books or Keith Starbright, so don't sue me.  
  
Several weeks after the brat pack arrived at Hogwarts everything was crazy. Voldie was dead, Dumbledore and Charlotte were married and doing things which shouldn't be mentioned in front of adults, Keith and Ginny were wrapped up in their own world, Ron and Hermione got a clue, Luna and Neville were sneaking into cupboards, Wifery and Draco were doing things which shouldn't be known about and Suzi, Becca and Harry were left all alone.  
  
Charlotte started getting randy, so she set off in search for Pansy Parkinson, her someone different. On her way she met Greg Slater and said "You'll do." So they disappeared off into a cupboard. Suzi, Becca and Harry discovered a spell that would send them all back in time. So they wrote down the whole gang's names and said the spell and they went back in time to meet the Marauders.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" asked James Potter when they arrived. Becca giggled hysterically whilst muttering something about sugar cubes. Suzi poked her in the back and Becca glared at her. Charlotte and Greg appeared in the room looking as though they had been up to something. Greg's muff was everywhere.  
  
Lily Evans started to yell at James for no reason, so Sirius and Remus (I don't like Peter so I'm leaving him out) and the gang sneaked off to the room of requirement where most people started snogging until James arrived.  
  
Becca and Suzi did a kind of war dance which involved leaping around the room shouting "We're in the DA room!" Then Charlotte joined in as they sang the sugar song. Greg and Charlotte started snogging again so Becca, who was feeling pissed off, snogged Harry.  
  
They stopped snogging and Becca turned away looking embarrassed and turning bright red. Sirius, Remus, James, Harry, Ron, Becca and Suzi left the others to be sexual in peace and left the room. They went to the forbidden forest and James and Sirius helped Harry, Ron, Becca and Suzi to become animagi.  
  
"What animal do you want to be?" asked James.  
  
"A two toed sloth," said Suzi.  
  
"A bunny wabbit," said Becca.  
  
"A stag," said Harry.  
  
"A lizard," said Ron.  
  
"Ok," said Sirius.  
  
So, the four new marauders transformed into their animals, then when they turned back Suzi snogged Sirius.  
  
Suddenly, Dave the monkey appeared in the forest shouting for wifery. Becca pinched Harry's wand and stunned the monkey and promptly began to sing 'Dave' then Suzi joined in.  
  
Later, when they were back in the castle the brat pack was reunited. Keith Starbright told the others all about his adventure with Ginny.  
  
/I  
  
Keith and Ginny ran through the corridor to the Astronomy tower, but they got lost and ended up in the dungeons. They were looking for a quiet place to snog when they heard noises in Snape's office. Bravely, Keith opened the door and was scarred for life. Ginny screamed. Snape and McGonagall were lying naked on the desk. Keith slammed the door shut and sprinted away down the corridor trying to scratch out his eyes.  
  
IEnd of flashback/I  
  
Becca looked as though she was thinking hard, which was unusual for her and Suzi thought she was up to something, which she was. When Keith had finished retelling the story, she got up and shaved Greg's muff off. Then she laughed maniacally.  
  
"Trevor won't be happy," said Suzi.  
  
"I know," said Becca. "But I am."  
  
Then Freddy jumped out of Charlotte's mobile and began to dance randomly. Suddenly everyone was transported back to the future and they landed in the Gryffindor common room. Charlotte went to talk to Dumbledore leaving Greg looking depressed (ha ha the bastard!). Neville and Luna were stood snogging in a corner so everyone except Becca, Suzi and Harry started snogging again.  
  
Becca and Suzi decide to turn everyone except themselves green, so they do, then everyone chases them to the top of the highest tower, but then they jump of and spring back up for the trampoline which was conveniently placed where they landed. Becca pulled out her machine gun and prepared to strafe everyone...  
  
Will there be a sequel? Won't there be a sequel? Who knows?  
  
666  
  
Becca OXO 


	3. Monkeys And Fields Of Star Showers

Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)  
  
Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists  
  
Genre: General/Comedy  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts. Watch out for Charlotte she wants to get around!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright nor Jerry Springer or really anything that is mentioned in this story.  
  
Dedications: I probably wouldn't have done this next part without the nudging and kicking from my friends. If you've got this far then I'm proud of you for sticking with this story and not just turning away and going "Freaks" like the rest of the "sane" population. Thanks, Trev, Wifery, Wifery 2, Becca, Charlotte and maybe Keith lol! On with the mess that some people call a story.  
  
In the hospital wing, Becca and Suzi sit and look around at an array of bodies.  
  
"I think you did well Becca, I mean no one died but still they'll be out of action for a while" says Suzi with an approving nod.  
  
"Thanks Satan, I aim to please" replies Becca  
  
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Next week, Charlotte receives an owl from the paper-eating Trevor saying that she wants to come to Hogwarts to see the Muff.   
  
Expecting randiness in the form of Trevor, everyone is on edge, although if you asked one of the poor buggers that are in this story they wouldn't be able to tell you why, neither can I.   
  
Whilst lounging in the common room, the fluffy space racoons come down and ask Snape whether they could fondle his eyebrows. When he refuses they take him back to their evil lair (a garage in suburban London) and use their most torturous weapons on him (a feather duster and a CD player full of Celine Dion's Greatest Hits).  
  
Meanwhile, Dumbledore storms into three other garages before making it to the right one. The fluffy space racoons have gone but Snape lies on the garage floor very stiffly and with a smile on his face.  
  
To get Snape's attention Dumbledore pulls out an illuminous green whistle that makes a high pitched noise that only dogs and gits with feather dusters shoved up their ass can hear. As he blew, Snape looked up and focussed on Dumbledore who was going blue in the face.  
  
As Dumbledore collapsed dead on the floor, Jenny the ape came out from under his cloak.  
  
"Apparently he couldn't handle an ape's touch" said Jenny as she leaped off.  
  
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Once back at Hogwarts, many a child took advantage of Dumbledore's death; among those were Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. They wandered the halls just looking for trouble, children were being hung upside-down whilst viscious mongeese snapped at their hair. A sad sight to see but also a funny one.  
  
New headteachers were supposed to report to McGonagall's office but some got stuck under desks in the potions lab, in secret passageways that had to be sealed off due to a "mass flood" courtesy of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Even some were found in Trelawney's grasp, being told their future as a chimpanzee's flea shoe maker was going to fail them.  
  
If they couldn't even get to McGonagall's office then how were they supposed to handle a bunch of randy deranged teenagers.  
  
After a slap-up meal in the Great hall (sausage and mash) there came an announcement that the new headteacher had been chosen.  
  
"I hope it's not Malfoy's dad" exclaimed Ginny, "he would make our lives a living…..well no offence to you Suzi but a living hell!" Just then a seven armed monkey came bounding into the Great hall.  
  
"FIGGLYDUCKS!!! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be living it up with your new wife Carrotena? I mean you stalked her for ages, she's gotta have given in by now!" shouted Suzi giving the monkey a hug.   
  
"Alas no my Lady! I've stalked her and stalked her, my chicken army has cracked down her antelope army many times but she still doesn't seem to notice me!" replied Figglyducks, then she added in a whisper "I'm here to take over Hogwarts as the new headmistress!"  
  
"Wow! A new conquest! Sweet! But wait a mini-mini-mini-momentum I go to Hogwarts now, I can't let you go through with this grrrrrrrr decisions, decisions what should I do? Should I stay here and be as bored as I am when sitting in Mr. Boutledge's English class writing 'Speith and the Munchy Takeaway (nearly)'? or should I set myself new heights, take over the wizarding world, school by school, naaaaaaaaaaaa. Is this a fork I see in front of me? Oh schnitt, I'm rambling Shakespeare again (damn Macbeth!)."  
  
"What is your answer?" says Figglyducks.  
  
"Hold on a momentum, I'll be right back!" says Suzi as she runs out of the Great hall. No longer nor no shorter than a momentum, Suzi is back, with two pans and two spoons?  
  
"Muff! If you'll do the honours please?" the Muff sits in front of the pans, picks up the spoons and makes a sort of drum roll. He stops, Suzi says……………………  
  
"No"  
  
"Okay fair enough" replies Figglyducks, turning away from the Brat pack, this was his biggest mistake, as he turned from them Harry summoned a sword and gave it to Suzi who thrust it straight through the monkey's knee.  
  
"Aaaaaaaah My Achilles knee! How did you know?"  
  
"Kinda obvious since I am the route of all evil! I gotta know these things" replies Suzi. As Ms. Figglyducks dies, the new headteacher is chosen its……….Lupin! The Great hall burst into cheers as this announcement is made!   
  
As the applause calms down, a younger looking Lupin and Sirius Black waltz into the hall (1-2-3-1-2-3). Professor McGonagall looked at the "boys" dissaprovingly and motioned with her eyes for them to stop waltzing. Once they had, McGonagall asked  
  
"What in blazing hell happened here? You look teenage again! Oh My God!!!! Its Sirius Black ruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!" she said as she ran out of the great hall leaving in her wake some very confused pupils.  
  
Anyway on with the story, a bright shiny purple light came down from the ceiling and two figures (fully clothed thank satan) were thrown onto the cheap linoleum flooring. Its Lily and James! Yayness! Harry stares on in shock as Lupin and Sirius help them up whilst handcuffing Lily and James to each other with fluffy pink and green spotted handcuffs.   
  
As the whole hall goes to their dorms minus our favourite characters, Harry has a mental breakdown because his dead parents are back, Becca becomes catatonic at the thought of not being able to do naughty things with Harry in his mentally unstable state.  
  
Charlotte got an owl saying that she had just got all the money from Dumbledore's death put into her green piggy bank that sat on her bookshelf in her new luxury pad in Tahiti.   
  
"See Ya!" Charlotte shouted as she ran to her new luxury pad (i know its a bit far too run but she's quick), without telling anyone where she was going.  
  
"She's probably going to buy more booze, don't worry, if she ain't back in three years we'll send a search team after her" said Keith to answer all the questioning glances that were being thrown around the room.  
  
"Quick someone catch my questioning glance before it hits someone important!" Sirius shouted as everyone minus Becca and Harry went into catch-the-questioning-glance mode.   
  
They were too late, a green sparkly flash of neon light shone and there stood none other than Jerry Springer.  
  
"Anyone need any help with mental problems that include your mother being a man, your father still wanting your mom or your parents coming back from the dead?" was all that Jerry got out before he was hit with Sirius' questioning glance and knocked onto his bum (oooooooh naughty word). The whole of the brat pack, golden trio friends, marauders wife and Jerry were transported onto the Jerry Springer set.  
  
On the set, a make-shift audience of koala bears and kangaroos were shouting "Jerry! Jerry!" as the Hogwarts kids got their acts together and got ready for a grueling show called "Your parents are dead! Only kidding!".  
  
"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to a very special edition of the Jerry Springer show called 'Your parents are dead! Only kidding!' where when Harry Potter was only 1 years old his parents died, now 15 years later they're back, what do you have to say for yourselves Lily and James?"  
  
"Dammit Padfoot did you have to put handcuffs on us right then?" said James whilst scratching his wrist.  
  
"Yes well that was good James, Harry how do you feel about this situation?" asked Jerry.  
  
"Errr well maybe Sirius shouldn't have put handcuffs on them but it does look rather funny" said Harry as he glanced longingly at Becca. Jerry started pulling out his hair.  
  
"I didn't mean that situation you little brat!" shouted Jerry his eyes goin redder and redder as his blood pressure rose.  
  
"Hey! That's our groups name you pompous moose" shouted Wifery as she shook her hair at him, but got distracted by the shiny lights and the cameras and started tap dancing with a koala bear.  
  
"Lets go home kiddies, i've had enough of this git, you love your parents right Harry?" said Suzi as Harry nodded "Well then there's no problemo" Suzi grabs hold of Ron and Hermione's hands, everyone join hands and they all use Suzi's powers to be transported back to the Great Hall.  
  
Lily. James and Remus all decided to go to bed, Luna and Neville decided to go and have fun in a cupboard and Harry, Becca, Wifery, Keith, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Joe and the Muff (now nearly the Fro) all went and sat on the tables to play truth or dare. No one noticed in their excitement of getting some, that a certain dog and devil were sneaking into the prefects bathroom.   
  
After half an hour, Suzi came into the great hall singing the bob song and dancing. As everyone started to wonder what had made her so happy, Jerry Springer came jumping through a portal with his now black eyes and uncombed hair.  
  
"Do you know that black eyes are sooooo passe?" asked Suzi with a look of utter distaste.  
  
"Do you know that i'm going to kill you little girl?" a maliscious smile gracing Jerry's face.  
  
"Number 1. She may be little but she's more powerful than you and Number 2. she is a god you should bow before her!" shouted Becca whilst stamping her feet and chasing after the birdies (I know i'm a nasty person Becca mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha).  
  
"Your time is up Jerry" shouted Harry " no longer shall you taint daytime tv with your filth (no offence to jerry springer fans out there)." Everyone's stomachs growled fiercely and loudly.  
  
"Your stopping us from eating and WE WANT FOOD!!!!" screamed Suzi, the whole ground shaking, a few stars fell down from the sky and one fell on top of Jerry Springer splaying his insides onto the linoleum floor. (Linoleum rocks people!)  
  
Everyone rejoiced in a ritualistic war dance kinda way until some townies walked in screeching in that annoying way that they all do  
  
"Dirty Moshers!"  
  
"Sorry I don't have a watch" said Hermione whilst searching her sleeves. The Brat Pack plus Joe and the Muff tied the townies to tables and made their stomachs implode by starving them of food and drink but injecting them with the minerals their bodies could not survive without. In other words their stomach acids started to digest their stomachs, a slow and painful death.  
  
After doing another ritualistic kinda war dance they realised that their stomach acids would start to dissolve their stomachs if they didn't get food soon.  
  
"Quick we need food!" shouted Ron. Everyone ran to the kitchens, killing a couple of house elves on their way. Food was littered everywhere, soon a food fight came about. Once they had begun to get tired, they all crept to their dorms flicking carrots and spinach out of their hair, hoping that tomorrow would be just as much fun as today..............................  
  
TREVOR WAS ARRIVING TOMORROW OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO BE MORE FUN THAN TODAY!  
  
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What crazy things will happen tomorrow? Will Trevor and the Muff get it on? Will Suzi get her own tutu and stop nicking other peoples? Will Becca eat three gallons of pink cheese? Wait with bated breath for the next chapter!  
  
Here's The Bob song make up your own actions!  
  
My name is Bob Bob Bob  
  
My name is Bob Bob Bob  
  
My name is Bob Bob Bob  
  
My name is Bob Bob Bob  
  
My second name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My second name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My second name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My second name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My third name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My third name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My third name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My third name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob  
  
And if I had another name,  
  
Guess what it would be!  
  
It would be Bob Bob Bob  
  
It would be Bob Bob Bob  
  
It would be Bob Bob Bob  
  
Or Curious Clive.....  
  
Copyright is held by Kat and Suzi!  
  
Ciao  
  
Suzi xxx 


	4. What The Hell Is Going On?

Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)  
  
Chapter 4: What the Hell is going on?  
  
Author: Freddy's-Life (aka Suzi's deputy)  
  
Genre: General/Humour  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all in this chapter except for Becca. The slightly strange plot is mine, I think, but don't hold me to it. Suzi I couldn't have done it without you, I love you Charlotte! Trevor, I would apologise, but you asked me to do it. I love you all. This is a Harry Potter fan fiction, just to be clear, but it could probably fit into loads of different categories if you tried hard enough.  
  
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It was late at night when Trevor arrived. She had flown in on an old broomstick that she found in her mum's cupboard. She landed in the astronomy tower where she was met by Becca, Suzi and Harry. Becca and Suzi ran up to Trevor and hugged her while Harry stood at the back looking confused. Becca, Suzi and Harry took Trevor to the Gryffindor common room where everyone else was waiting.  
  
"TREVOR!" shouted Charlotte.  
  
The blonde ran up and hugged Trevor. Greg, complete with his grown back muff, retreated to the corner. Becca, who noticed, began to laugh hysterically until Suzi slapped her. Just then, Wifery walked in.  
  
"Hi," she said.  
  
"Hi," replied the brat pack.  
  
Trevor headed across the room to where Greg was hiding in the corner. The ever observant and curious Becca watched Trevor go, but screamed when she realised what was happening. She ran out of the room, closely followed by Suzi, who had also noticed Trevor's idea.  
  
So, Suzi and Becca wandered aimlessly through Hogwarts castle, occasionally poking each other's arms. Eventually they got tired, so they sat down on the third floor corridor and leant against the wall. While they were talking about monkeys, Leo from Charmed orbed in.  
  
"Have you seen Piper?" he asked.  
  
Suzi and Becca looked at him blankly.  
  
"Erm, Leo," said Becca. "I think you're in the wrong story."  
  
Leo looked at the two girls for a moment, then he realised he didn't know them, so he orbed out.  
  
"That was weird," said Suzi.  
  
"Yup," said Becca. "Definitely weird."  
  
Suzi and Becca stood up and began to wander around again. They managed to get hold of some firewhiskey and began to drink. After getting quite drunk, Suzi saw four brightly coloured creatures heading their way.  
  
"Becca," said Suzi. "I think I'm hallucinating."  
  
She pointed down the corridor to where the coloured things were.  
  
"No," said Becca. "It's just the Teletubbies."  
  
Suzi looked at Becca for a minute.  
  
"Why are the Teletubbies at Hogwarts?" asked Suzi.  
  
"I have no idea," said Becca. "Do you think they're evil?"  
  
"I don't know," said Suzi. "But we should get out of here."  
  
So Suzi and Becca set off down the other corridor, where they ran into Keith and Charlotte.  
  
"There you are," said Charlotte.  
  
"We've been looking everywhere for you," said Keith.  
  
"The teletubbies are here," said Suzi.  
  
"We only just got away," said Becca.  
  
Keith and Charlotte looked puzzled. Becca and Suzi heard a noise behind them.  
  
"Eh oh!" said Laa Laa.  
  
Becca, Suzi, Keith and Charlotte sprinted away. Five corridors later the four members of the brat pack stopped to catch their breath. Footsteps signalled the arrival of Harry and Ron.  
  
"You have to see this," said Harry.  
  
"What?" asked Suzi.  
  
"Come with us," said Ron.  
  
So Becca, Suzi, Charlotte and Keith followed Harry and Ron further down the corridor. Harry pushed open a door and the six went inside.  
  
"Oh shit," said Suzi.  
  
"Something weird is going on here," said Becca.  
  
They were standing face to face with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia.  
  
"Why are you here?" asked Suzi.  
  
"I don't know," said Luke. "One minute we were running to the Millennium Falcon and then we were here."  
  
"Oh," said Becca. "First it was Leo, then the Teletubbies and now you guys, something is not right."  
  
"I wonder who'll be next," said Charlotte.  
  
"I don't want to wait to find out," said Keith. "I'm going to find Ginny and Hermione, to see if they have a solution to this little problem."  
  
Keith left the room, but his spot was soon filled by four Teletubbies who looked suspiciously innocent.  
  
"I think we need to get everyone here," said Becca.  
  
"Everyone who has appeared from another story?" asked Suzi.  
  
"Yeah, exactly," said Becca.  
  
"Leo!" shouted Suzi.  
  
Leo orbed in.  
  
"What is it?" asked Leo. "Have you found Piper?"  
  
"Er, no," said Becca. "It's just something weird is going on, because loads of different stories are getting merged together."  
  
"So we need to get everyone here so we can fix this," said Suzi.  
  
"Charlotte, Harry and Ron," said Becca. "Will you go and see if you can find anyone else who has mysteriously appeared?"  
  
"Yeah," said Harry.  
  
Harry, Ron and Charlotte left the room. Becca and Suzi gathered up all the people from other stories.  
  
"I wonder why they've all ended up here," said Becca.  
  
"Maybe it's because they're all looking for something that's here it at Hogwarts," said Suzi. "Leo is looking for Piper, the Star Wars guys are looking for their ship and the Teletubbies are probably looking for Tinky Winky's bag or something."  
  
"You could be right," said Becca. "All we need to do is find what they're looking for and then they'll go away."  
  
Harry entered the room closely followed by Monica from Friends. Becca groaned loudly.  
  
"What are you looking for, Monica?" asked Suzi.  
  
"Chandler," said Monica.  
  
"See," said Suzi. "I was right."  
  
Keith, Ginny and Hermione came through the door.  
  
"Oh," said Hermione. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
"We have a theory," said Becca. "But we'll need your help to prove it."  
  
"We need to split up all around the castle, except these guys here, and we need to look for Piper from Charmed, Chandler from Friends, Tinky Winky's bag from Teletubbies and the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars," said Suzi.  
  
"Ok," said Ginny. "We're on it."  
  
Keith, Ginny and Hermione set off again. Ron and Charlotte returned.  
  
"We just found Frodo," said Ron, moving aside to let the hobbit through.  
  
"Let me guess," said Becca. "You're looking for the ring?"  
  
"Yeah," said Frodo.  
  
He went and stood with the other people from different stories.  
  
"This is getting out of hand," said Becca.  
  
"I know," said Suzi.  
  
"Harry, Ron and Charlotte," said Becca. "Will you go and look for Piper, Tinky Winky's bag, the Millennium Falcon, Chandler and Frodo's ring?"  
  
"Yeah, sure," said Harry.  
  
"Ok," said Ron.  
  
"Do I have to?" moaned Charlotte.  
  
"No," said Suzi. "You can stay with us. Oh, Harry, will you tell Wifery, Trevor, Greg Slater and Joe Taylor to come and help us."  
  
"Where will they be?" asked Harry.  
  
"Gryffindor tower," said Becca.  
  
"Ok, no problem," said Harry. Harry and Ron set off.  
  
"So, what do we do now?" asked Suzi.  
  
"We wait," said Becca. "To see what the others can find."  
  
Suzi nodded.  
  
Elsewhere in the castle:  
  
Harry walked down the long lonely corridor after enlisting the help of the remaining member of the brat pack and the three others. He walked slowly with his wand (his magic one not the other one) out in front of him. He could hear footsteps coming towards him. He turned and saw a young woman. She through out her hands as though trying to cast a spell.  
  
"Ah," he said. "You must be Piper."  
  
"Why didn't you freeze?" asked Piper.  
  
"I'm a good wizard," said Harry. "And your powers may not work here. This is a different kind of magic to what you're used to. Anyway, how did you get here?"  
  
"I'm not sure," said Piper. "I was at home, looking through the Book of Shadows, when I ended up here."  
  
"Oh," said Harry. "Some guy called Leo is here looking for you. Becca and Suzi will be glad that I found you, he's been driving them crazy."  
  
Another place in the castle:  
  
"Are you lost?" said Ginny.  
  
There was a man walking slowly through the corridor. He turned around when he heard her speak.  
  
"Yeah," the man said. "I'm Chandler."  
  
"Excellent," said Ginny. "So, how did you get here?"  
  
"I have no idea," said Chandler. "I was leaving Central Perk, so I opened the door and I ended up here."  
  
"That's weird," said Ginny. "I'm Ginny by the way, and someone called Monica is looking for you."  
  
"Monica's here?" said Chandler.  
  
"Yeah. Loads of people from other stories have been turning up here," said Ginny. "Suzi and Becca have a theory about why, but we've all been sent to find you."  
  
"Oh, and Suzi and Becca are?" said Chandler.  
  
"They're in the brat pack," said Ginny.  
  
Chandler looked puzzled.  
  
"Don't ask," said Ginny.  
  
Chandler and Ginny set off back to meet the others.  
  
Yet another place in the castle:  
  
"Well, that definitely shouldn't be here," said Wifery.  
  
She had gone to the Library where she had found a red bag sitting on a shelf.  
  
"How the hell did you get here?" she muttered to the bag.  
  
She picked it up and looked inside. It was empty.  
  
"Dammit!" she said. "I was kinda hoping that Frodo's ring would be in there. Ah, well. I'd better get this back to the Teletubbies."  
  
Wifery set off away from the Library, hoping that she would be able to find the room where Suzi was waiting.  
  
A different place in the castle:  
  
"Oh," said Trevor. "It's so shiny."  
  
"Yeah," said Greg.  
  
"Let's steal it," said Joe.  
  
"No," said Trevor. "We can't steal the ring, tempting as it is. It belongs to Frodo. Charlotte will love it though. Look at the shininess."  
  
Trevor, Greg and Joe stared at the ring for a while.  
  
"Oh, God!" said Hermione, coming across the three weirdos. "It's turning them evil."  
  
Hermione pulled out her wand.  
  
"Accio ring!" she shouted.  
  
The ring flew into her hand.  
  
"Hey!" shouted Trevor.  
  
"That wasn't nice!" said Joe.  
  
"Kill her!" said Greg.  
  
Trevor, Joe and Greg pounced on Hermione squashing her into the floor. Trevor stole the ring back and ran away with it, closely followed by Joe and Greg.  
  
"Oh no," said Hermione.  
  
She ran off to tell the others about what happened.  
  
Another different place in the castle:  
  
"Who are you?" said Ron.  
  
There was a strange person wandering through the corridor.  
  
"I'm the devil," said the stranger.  
  
"The devil?" said Ron sceptically. "Are you male or female?"  
  
"Male of course," said the devil.  
  
"Ok," said Ron. "So, this is confusing. We now have two devils. Suzi is not going to be happy. Come with me."  
  
Ron and the devil set off towards the room where Suzi and Becca were looking after the others.  
  
Back in the classroom:  
  
"Becca, Suzi," said Harry. "I found Piper."  
  
Harry let Piper come into the room.  
  
"Oh, thank God," said Becca. "Maybe he'll shut up now."  
  
She pointed at Leo.  
  
"Leo?" said Piper, looking at the annoying one.  
  
"Piper?" said Leo.  
  
He ran up and hugged her.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?" he asked.  
  
"Ok, people," said Suzi. "Reunions later. We still have people to find."  
  
"Harry, will you go and..." said Becca.  
  
Ginny entered the room closely followed by Chandler.  
  
"Oh my God, Chandler," said Monica.  
  
She ran up to her husband and kissed him.  
  
"Well done, Ginny," said Harry.  
  
"Thanks," said Ginny. "You found Piper, I take it?"  
  
"Yeah," said Harry. "It wasn't hard."  
  
Wifery came through the door and closed it with a bang.  
  
"Which of you lost a bag?" she asked.  
  
Tinky Winky said something in Teletubby language.  
  
"That would be Tinky Winky's," said Becca.  
  
Suzi took the back from Wifery and gave it to the large purple teletubby.  
  
"Seriously," she said. "A bag?"  
  
"What's left?" asked Charlotte.  
  
"Frodo's ring," said Harry.  
  
"They've stolen it," said Hermione, entering.  
  
"Who?" asked Becca.  
  
"Trevor, Greg and Joe," said Hermione.  
  
"Shit!" said Suzi.  
  
"It's turned them evil," said Hermione.  
  
Suzi and Becca looked at each other. That wasn't good. Suzi and Becca would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.  
  
"So, we have three teenagers running around the school with a powerful ring that has turned them evil," said Becca.  
  
"It gets worse," said Ron appearing in the doorway.  
  
Everyone turned to look at the male red head.  
  
"This is the devil," he said, allowing the devil to enter.  
  
"Hang on a minute," said Suzi looking angry.  
  
Becca and Suzi walked towards the devil.  
  
"You cannot be the devil," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan, the devil, ruler of hell whatever you want to call it."  
  
"You lie," said the devil.  
  
Suzi sighed and pulled an enormous sword out of her pocket. She stabbed the devil and killed him.  
  
"What a shame," said Becca sarcastically. "Well done, Suzi."  
  
"That was too easy," said Suzi.  
  
Becca, Suzi and Ron returned to the rest of the group. Becca looked around to see who was missing.  
  
"Ok," she said. "We're going to have to split into groups to find Trevor, Greg and Joe."  
  
Keith opened the door and entered.  
  
"So, Hermione and Ron, will you take Monica and Chandler to the dungeons to search?"  
  
Ron and Hermione nodded.  
  
"Keith, Ginny and Wifery, go and search the common rooms and first three floors with the Teletubbies. Charlotte and Frodo go and search the top 4 floors. Harry take Luke, Leia and Han into the grounds, and me and Suzi will go into the forbidden forest with Leo and Piper."  
  
Everybody set off. Suzi, Becca, Piper and Leo walked past Hagrid's and entered the forest.  
  
"It's pretty dark in here," said Becca. "Cool."  
  
They continued walking through the forest.  
  
"Do you think Grawp'll be here?" said Suzi.  
  
"Who's Grawp?" asked Piper.  
  
"A giant," said Suzi.  
  
"I've never seen a giant before," said Piper. "Demons, warlocks, evil wizards, angels yes, but no giants."  
  
"Right, ok," said Suzi. "So what do you think, Becca?"  
  
"He's probably still here," said Becca. "It's Aragog that I don't want to meet though."  
  
"Who's Aragog?" asked Leo.  
  
"Don't ask," said Becca.  
  
The four wandered on with Leo constantly breaking branches and Piper getting mad at him. Becca and Suzi found a dead unicorn. They decided that they needed Harry, so they sent a message to Ginny, telling her to take over Harry's group and tell him to meet them at the forest entrance. Five minutes later Becca, Suzi, Piper and Leo met Harry just outside Hagrid's.  
  
"What is it, Becca?" asked Harry.  
  
"We found a dead unicorn," said Becca.  
  
"But we don't know what killed it," said Suzi. "And we think there might be more. We figured you'd be able to help us."  
  
"Erm, sure," said Harry.  
  
The five people set off through the forest. Becca and Harry began to discuss the plot of the one-legged space chickens. Suzi led the way.  
  
"I just saw a dinosaur," she said suddenly.  
  
"The dinosaurs are dead," said Piper.  
  
"No," said Suzi. "I just saw one."  
  
"I believe you," said Becca. "I believe in the dinosaur."  
  
"You two are strange," said Harry.  
  
"We know," said Suzi.  
  
"That's why you love us," grinned Becca.  
  
Suzi, Becca and Harry laughed. Leo and Piper looked at them blankly. They carried on walking. Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper looked for the dead unicorn, but Suzi was trying to find her dinosaur. For a moment Becca and Harry briefly forgot the seriousness of the situation and snogged. Suzi coughed loudly so they stopped.  
  
"Where do you think Trevor, Greg and Joe will be?" asked Harry.  
  
"They could be anywhere," said Suzi.  
  
"Why did you bring us?" asked Piper.  
  
"Because we are not leaving you alone to get lost in the castle," said Suzi.  
  
"Also, your powers may work once we are far enough from the wards surrounding Hogwarts," said Becca.  
  
"Ok," said Piper.  
  
Then she screamed. Dave the monkey had arrived. Leo and Piper backed slowly away from Dave, but Becca, Suzi and Harry stood their ground. Harry put a tickling charm on Dave then Becca pegged him to the ground. Suzi called him nasty names then they walked away laughing. Leo and Piper followed them quickly.  
  
After wandering very deep into the forbidden forest, well away from the safety of Hogwarts, Suzi, Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper came across a wardrobe propped up against a mahogany oak tree. They had a short discussion and decided that they should look inside it. Becca opened the door.  
  
"There's a load of coats," she said.  
  
"Go in," said Harry.  
  
"No, don't," said Leo. "It could be dangerous."  
  
Becca rolled her eyes and climbed into the wardrobe. She pushed the coats outside and stepped out into the cold snow world.  
  
"Well, this is weird," she said.  
  
"What?" said Suzi from the other side.  
  
"Come through," said Becca.  
  
Leo, Piper, Suzi and Harry clambered through after Becca.  
  
"I think we're in Narnia," Becca said after a moment's pause. "Trevor, Greg and Joe have left footprints in the snow."  
  
"I never knew there was a doorway in the forest," said Harry.  
  
"You've never been in this deep," said Suzi.  
  
"Ok, we need to check powers," said Becca. "Leo try orbing over there."  
  
She pointed to a tree. Leo orbed.  
  
"Excellent. Piper, try freezing Leo," said Becca.  
  
Piper froze him, then unfroze him.  
  
"Oh my God, it worked," said Piper.  
  
"Good, now Harry. Try summoning Leo," said Becca.  
  
Harry summoned Leo and he shot back to the others. Becca and Suzi made sure that their hidden swords and pegs were in place.  
  
"So," said Leo. "Does anyone know what we're likely to find in Narnia?"  
  
Becca and Suzi looked at each other.  
  
"It's seven years since I read the book," said Becca. "All I remember is the fawns, the snow queen and Aslan."  
  
"Who's Aslan?" asked Piper.  
  
"A lion," said Suzi.  
  
"And the Snow Queen?" asked Harry.  
  
"An evil witch," said Becca. "With the power to turn things to ice... I think."  
  
"That's not good," said Leo. "Is it?"  
  
"Er, no," said Becca. "Especially with Trevor, Greg and Joe turning evil. They'll be willing to work for the Queen, and she'll be only too glad to use them."  
  
"At least there's no Voldemort," said Harry.  
  
"True," said Suzi.  
  
"But at least with Voldemort we knew exactly what we were up against," said Becca.  
  
"With the power to freeze, Piper should be able to take her on then, right?" said Leo. "I mean, that is the evil version of her power."  
  
"Don't talk about that," said Piper.  
  
"I'm not so sure it'll work," said Harry. "This is an unknown realm. Her magic could be more powerful than anything we've seen."  
  
"I know," said Becca. "But we can't stand around here all day. We have to find Trevor, Greg, Joe and the ring, before it's too late."  
  
The others nodded in agreement and they set off across the snow covered land of Narnia, the eternal winter. They had only been walking for a short while when Suzi realised they were being followed. They turned to see the unmistakable red hair of Ginny Weasley along with Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" asked Suzi.  
  
"We found a wardrobe at the back of the castle," said Ginny. "We followed the footprints from the exit."  
  
"I don't get it," said Harry. "The wardrobe we came through was deep in the forbidden forest."  
  
"Maybe all the wardrobes lead to the same place," said Piper.  
  
"Like they're al part of the same portal," said Leo.  
  
"Or maybe the gateway moves," said Becca. "It may be moving around Hogwarts to bring us all here."  
  
"Are you saying that someone, somewhere wants us all here? In Narnia?" said Harry.  
  
"Yeah," said Becca. "I just don't know why."  
  
Becca, Harry, Suzi and Ginny looked at each other.  
  
"Voldemort?" suggested Harry.  
  
"We killed him," said Ginny.  
  
"He's only concerned with what's in your realm," said Becca. "There are people here from different times, and different dimensions."  
  
"Do you guys have any gun with you?" Suzi asked the people from Star Wars.  
  
"Blasters, yeah," said Han. "And Luke's got his light sabre."  
  
"Ok, good," said Becca. "You may be needing them. And Ginny, is your wand working?"  
  
"Yeah," said Ginny. "I tested it before."  
  
Harry sighed loudly.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?" he said.  
  
"There's a great evil working against us," said Leo. "It's brought us all together for a reason. Probably to kill us off together, leave the pathway for evil clear."  
  
"You're a little ray of sunshine aren't you," said Ginny.  
  
"This doesn't make any sense," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan. The source of all that is evil, how can she – we, be the protectors of good."  
  
"It could be a rebellious evil," said Leo. "A faction of spirits wanting to overthrow Satan, and the good of the world, and fill it with their own brand of evil. A powerful evil."  
  
"But even so, why bring us here?" said Suzi.  
  
"This is Narnia," said Leo.  
  
"The land of eternal winter," said Becca. "Fire evil, like Suzi, is powerless here, unless we can find a way to channel the fire."  
  
"I don't know how," said Suzi.  
  
Suzi, Becca, Harry, Ginny, Luke, Leia, Piper, Leo and Han set off across the snow desert once again. On their journey they encountered nothing but each other, saw nothing but each other and heard nothing but each other. They had left wide tracks in the snow and continued to follow the footprints left by Trevor, Joe and Greg. As they reached a tree in their path they noticed two people standing by it. It was Charlotte and Frodo.  
  
"Hi," said Charlotte running up to hug Suzi and Becca. "How did you guys get here?"  
  
"Through a wardrobe," said Suzi.  
  
"Just like us," said Charlotte. "It was in the Divination classroom."  
  
"Forbidden forest," said Becca.  
  
"Back of Hogwarts," said Ginny.  
  
"We were wondering when we'd meet someone else," said Harry.  
  
"Charlotte, have you gone any booze with you?" asked Suzi.  
  
"Yeah," said Charlotte. "Why?"  
  
"It might come in useful," said Becca.  
  
Frodo told everyone that he had a sword with him. Harry noticed that the footprints in the snow looked fresher than before. Luke suggested that they were getting close. They set off again following the footprints until they reached a cave. Charlotte started to jump up and down.  
  
"Ooo! A cave!" she squealed.  
  
Becca and Suzi laughed while the others looked at Charlotte strangely.  
  
"Has she hit her head?" asked Leia.  
  
"No," said Becca. "She's just like this sometimes."  
  
"She's not lying down on the floor, yet," said Suzi. "So don't worry."  
  
"I'm not even going to ask," said Leo.  
  
"That's probably a good idea," said Piper.  
  
It was decided that Trevor, Greg and Joe must be inside the cave. Luke and Leo were a bit worried because they didn't know what else was in there, but the others ignored them. Becca led the way into the cave with Harry and Suzi close behind her. So Becca, Harry, Suzi, Charlotte, Ginny, Leia, Piper, Frodo, Han, Leo and Luke crept in single file through the dark cave. Harry held magic flames in his hand to help light the way. Becca and Suzi wondered why nobody else had arrived. They hoped that Keith and Wifery were alright. Ginny shivered. It was very cold in the cave and they were now a long way in. From somewhere not far ahead they heard someone cackle.  
  
"Did you hear that?" whispered Piper.  
  
"Yes, I heard it," said Suzi.  
  
"What was it?" whispered Han.  
  
"I don't know," said Harry.  
  
"I think it was the Snow Queen," said Becca.  
  
"In a cave?" said Ginny in a loud whisper. "What happened to the castle made of ice?"  
  
Suddenly there was a high pitched scream coming from the same direction as the cackle.  
  
"Wifery!" exclaimed Becca, Suzi and Charlotte.  
  
"We have to help her," said Suzi.  
  
She turned and set off again.  
  
"Wait!" said Ginny. "If that was Wifery, then what's happened to Keith?"  
  
Becca and Suzi looked at each other uneasily.  
  
"We have to save them!" repeated Suzi. "Anything could have happened."  
  
"Then let's go," said Becca. "Weapons out, just in case."  
  
She and Suzi drew their swords and pegs. The others did the same with their various weapons. Harry blew out the flames in his hand and they were plunged into darkness. Everybody joined hands so they wouldn't get lost; Suzi and Becca, Becca and harry, Harry and Ginny, Ginny and Han, Han and Leia, Leia and Luke, Luke and Charlotte, Charlotte and Frodo, Frodo and Piper, Piper and Leo. They continued off down the cave to where they heard Wifery scream. They could see a flickering blue light ahead of them and Suzi realised that they must be close. They started to walk faster. Finally they reached a glistening ice room. Suzi spotted Wifery being hugged by a giant iguana in a pink tutu.  
  
"Piper," said Suzi. "Freeze the iguana."  
  
Piper did and Wifery was free. She ran up to Suzi and hugged her.  
  
"Where's Keith?" asked Ginny.  
  
"The Snow Queen took him somewhere," said Wifery.  
  
"Oh God!" said Becca. "We'd better hurry and get there before he rapes her."  
  
"Rapes her?" said Luke blankly.  
  
"Don't ask," said Piper.  
  
Everyone set off running to an ice chamber at the other side of the room. Suzi and Wifery decided to look around for Trevor, Greg and Joe with Han, Charlotte, Luke, Frodo and Leia. So Harry, Becca, Ginny, Leo and Piper climbed through a small hole into the ice chamber to try and find Keith. They all slipped over on the ice, so Harry conjured five pairs of ice skates. They all put them on.  
  
"Thanks," said Becca.  
  
Harry, Piper, Ginny, Becca and Leo skated across a large ice lake until they came to a doorway. Ginny led the way through. Keith and the Snow Queen were lying unconscious on the floor.  
  
"Leo and Piper," said Becca. "Take Keith and orb to the cave entrance. Heal him and we'll meet you there."  
  
Leo took hold of Keith's arm and wrapped his other arm around Piper. Then they orbed out.  
  
"Harry," continued Becca. "Do you think you can levitate the Snow Queen out?"  
  
"Sure," said Harry.  
  
He pointed his wand at the Snow Queen and said 'mobilicorpus'. The Snow Queen levitated and Harry, Becca and Ginny skated out.  
  
Meanwhile:  
  
Back in the ice room, Suzi, Wifery, Luke, Frodo, Leia, Charlotte and Han were discussing a plan to free Trevor, Greg and Joe. They had already found four iced over Teletubbies in the corner, but they couldn't free them.  
  
"What if we melt Narnia?" said Suzi.  
  
"How can we melt a whole world?" said Han. "Your fire is powerless here."  
  
"I don't know yet," said Suzi. "But if we did melt Narnia we'd find Trevor, Greg and Joe."  
  
"Why do you think that?" said Wifery.  
  
"Because I think I found them buried deep in the ice under this room," said Suzi.  
  
"I guess it would work," said Leia. "All you need is a way to channel your fire and melt Narnia."  
  
"Becca," said Charlotte.  
  
"Becca can't melt a whole world," said Wifery.  
  
"I know," said Charlotte. "But what would Becca suggest?"  
  
Suzi suddenly realised what Charlotte meant and cursed herself for acting so blonde.  
  
"Of course!" said Suzi.  
  
"What?" said Luke.  
  
"A volcano," said Suzi.  
  
"We can't just command a volcano to erupt," said Leia. "That's impossible."  
  
"There may be a spell to do it," said Charlotte.  
  
"Frodo can help," said Wifery. "He can help us find a volcano."  
  
"I don't get it," said Luke. "You're gonna try and force a mountain to just spew out molten lava. How is that gonna work?"  
  
At that moment Becca, Harry, Ginny and the Snow Queen entered.  
  
"Who the hell just said molten lava?" shouted Becca.  
  
Suzi and Charlotte grinned and pointed at Luke.  
  
"There is no such thing as molten lava you five-legged platypus!" screeched Becca. "Lava IS molten rock! You cannot have molten molten rock! It makes no sense! It's physically impossible!" (Please take note all who read this story because if you don't there'll be "hell" to pay).  
  
Steam poured from Becca's ears.  
  
"Ok there, Becca," said Suzi. "We get it."  
  
"Why were you talking about lava anyway?" asked Becca, calming down very quickly.  
  
"We think that we can use it to channel fire and melt Narnia," said Wifery.  
  
"But Narnia is a whole world," said Frodo. "One volcano cannot be that powerful."  
  
"No ordinary volcano is that powerful, not even Tambora," said Becca. "All that did was bring about a volcanic winter. The only volcano capable of the eruption we need is a supervolcano."  
  
Suzi suddenly noticed that three people were missing.  
  
"Where's Keith, Leo and Piper?" she asked.  
  
"Keith was unconscious," said Harry. "So Leo orbed Keith and Piper to the cave entrance to heal him."  
  
Becca, Harry, Wifery, Suzi, Charlotte, Frodo, Ginny, Luke, Leia and Han set off towards the cave entrance where they found that Leo, Keith and Piper had made friends with a fluffy nine-legged octopus. Suzi killed the Snow Queen and used her intestines as a lasoo, during one crazy moment. Then, she and Becca began to call for a volcano to erupt. Soon Leo noticed the fountains of lava not far away and the ash cloud circling above them. Lava flows began to make their way through Narnia, melting the eternal winter. (This is PAINFULLY unrealistic) About 30 minutes into the eruption, water began to gush out of the cave carrying with it four unconscious Teletubbies and Joe, Greg and Trevor. Frodo stole his ring back from Trevor and the runaways were no longer evil. Lightning flashed in the sky.  
  
"Shiny," said Charlotte, dreamily.  
  
Suzi, Wifery, Charlotte, Leo, Piper, Luke, Leia, Han, Frodo, Keith, Trevor, Greg, Joe, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, Po, Ginny, Becca and Harry decided that they need to find a way back to Hogwarts, but because the snow was gone they couldn't retrace their steps back to the wardrobe. Just then a pink, green, blue and silver sheep appeared and led them all the way back. One by one they climbed through the wardrobe which brought them out inside Hogwarts. In that room they met Ron and Hermione who hadn't made it to Narnia because Monica and Chandler had spent the whole time having sex. Everyone went outside into the grounds where the Millennium Falcon was parked. Luke, Han and Leia climbed inside and flew away. The Teletubbies climbed into a hole in the round which sent them back to Teletubby land. Frodo used the ring to send him back to middle earth. Monica and Chandler got on a bright green plane and flew back to New York, and finally, Leo and Piper orbed out.  
  
Later, while everyone left was talking, Greg led Trevor to the corner. Everyone turned to watch. Greg got down on one knee and said "Will you marry me Trevor?" He held up a little box containing a bright pink ring with an enormous yellow stone attached. Trevor looked shocked.  
  
"Will you marry me?" the muff repeated...  
  
............................................................................................................  
  
Hope you enjoyed this unbelieveably strange and very very stupid chapter. I wonder what adventures the next chapter will bring. Don't ask me, I don't know. That's Suzi's job. I'm off now to sing the Sugar Song. Thanks for reading.  
  
With heartfelt hatred,  
  
Becca XXX Satan's Deputy 


	5. The Wedding

Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)  
  
Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists  
  
Genre: General/Comedy  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: The fifth installment in the Keith Starbright story. It's the wedding of Trevor and Greg.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright  
  
Dedications: To Becca record timing huh, usually it takes months for me to finish a chapter, I did chapter 3 yesterday and now today chapter 5, you may not like but hey who cares your still great. To all my other mates who have been added to this story I love you all. To Greg for giving me the idea over "pillow" talk (believe me its not what you think).  
  
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Hogwarts was being over run by family members, friends and hippopotamus' that were here for the wedding of Trevor and Greg. Now let it be known that Greg is not gay, because any insane person would be able to figure out that Trevor is in fact female. As wedding planners were being blown up by Suzi at Trevor's request the preparations were going under way. Trevor and Greg did not want a fancy wedding they were keeping their guest lists short and making their friends as involved in their wedding as possible.  
  
Trevor couldn't decide who she wanted to be her bridesmaids, so she had 12 normal bridesmaids and one chief bridesmaid thus making a lucky number 13. Becca was chief bridesmaid and she was on the war path. Trevor's close friends had been flown in all the way from Chorley and they were all congregated in the entrance hall as Becca ticked them off a list.  
  
"Alex! Yes good you're here. Becky! Right on you go. Heidi! Move it people, Sarah! Okay, Kat! Move it, Laura! There's going to be a blockage soon people, and finally Steph!" shouted Becca whilst trying in vain to move people from the doorways where struggling pupils were trying to get out of their classrooms. "Trevor is so glad that you here now your outfits have been sent up to your rooms and they have magic spells on them so that as soon as you put them on they shrink or expand to fit you. Now move it! Hop to it! Look lively!"  
  
The tension was getting thick but somehow it was still quite gooey, anywho (btw that is meant to be spelt like that) the great hall was being decorated in black and red, the colours of the devil. Poor defenseless pupils were being forced to do Suzi's bidding as she ordered them to reach up into the highest corners of the non-existent ceiling and place drapes and black roses everywhere.  
  
Once all the decorations were complete the doors of the great hall were locked and no one would be allowed in until the next day, when the wedding was.  
  
Everyone came together in the Gryffindor common room and they sat around the fire as old friends and new gave the happy couple their presents.  
  
Sean, Criss, Joe, Andy Will and Daly chipped in together to buy Greg a new orgasmic drum kit and they gave Trevor some ear plugs and a sound proofing spell.  
  
Becca gave them a monkey called Fleabo, 'obviously he doesn't have fleas' Becca told them with a mischievous smirk as Suzi handed them a very squishy present wrapped in black paper and what looked like blood spattered over it. As they opened it, Greg looked at Suzi weirdly.  
  
"My very own pillow!!!" Greg shouted "And it's warm!" Apparently Suzi wanted Greg to be able to have a warm pillow even when Trevor wasn't there.  
  
An assortment of gifts came after, some strange some very sane but after the tiring job of opening lots of presents they all climbed into bed. The boys in the newly made tower near the dungeons and the girls in a new wing of the Gryffindor tower.  
  
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It was the day of the wedding and Trevor was going over her vows as she tried to dress herself but was failing at both tasks.  
  
"Greg sweetie, muffin pie I want to love you forever and take care of all your randy needs as a drummer and I want to be available for you at all times, I will try to be the most bestest wifey poo that there ever was, no offence Wifery" recited Trevor.  
  
"Lots taken but hey it's your special day" replied Wifery as she tried to get on her orange tutu. Once all the bridesmaids were ready and Trevor was still going over her vows, Becca stood them all in a row and checked over their outfits. All the bridesmaids were wearing orange tutus, green and purple spotted tights, black and yellow striped tops and shocking PINK! Doc Martins. The 12 normal bridesmaids were wearing glowing halos but Becca was wearing a fire fighters helmet that said 'CHIEF' in bold letters. Obviously we know who's in charge.  
  
The Bridesmaids filed out with Charlotte tripping over Luna, Ginny and Hermione's feet at the back. Becca was making sure that Trevor was okay, she looked like she had been castrated with a tangerine. This did not add much to her already crazy outfit of a purple tutu, yellow and pink spotted tights, a black and green striped top and orange Doc Martins. She looked like a perfect kinky bride.  
  
Meanwhile the boys were all decked out in their multicoloured suits and orange boots with metal toe caps. They all looked dashing (ewww nasty word). Becca stood by the door and called out each groomsman as she looked over her list.  
  
"Harry! Check! Ron! Check! Joe, Sean, Criss! Triple check! Malfoy! Check! Dean, Seamus, Neville! Check! Andy, Daly, Will! Check! And Keith! Check! Ah your all here, where's Greg?" shouted Becca, Greg came out of the room looking rather green, "No time to get cold feet" she pushed him and Joe down the make-shift aisle.  
  
Trevor was getting ready to go down the aisle on a hippopotamus escorted by Snape but not before her Bridesmaids. As the bridesmaids did the can-can down the aisle, Greg grew even greener.  
  
The distorted view of the Hogwarts ghosts could be seen as they opened their mouths to sing a horrific rendition of "Here comes the bride".  
  
"Here comes the bride, 50 metres wide! Here comes the groom, not got very much room!" the choir of ghosts carried on other renditions of these lines until Snape had escorted Trevor to where Greg stood looking as if he were about to drop dead any minute.  
  
Suddenly out of no where, Suzi appeared in a flash of black lightning in her very own gothic dress and black and red halo with matching horns.  
  
"Dearly hated we are gathered here today to witness these two disgusting excuses for human beings be joined in unholy matrimony. As we all hate long 'sermons' then we will cut to the chase" Suzi said and everyone stood up and started chasing after each other, "SIT DOWN! You mangy creatures it was a figure of speech do you 'people' have to take things so literally? This is the last time I do a human wedding, vampire weddings are great they have bloodshed and we are all allowed to have a good drink but oh no you have to stay sober until at least the reception Suzi. Damn those imbeciles. So Trevor do you take this guy here.......Greg to be your husband and give you lots of sexual pleasures?"  
  
"Of course I do what kind of question is that?"  
  
"One that I have to ask. Greg do you take Trevor to be your wife and give you lots of sexual pleasures?"  
  
"Erm.............well you see.........I'm not sure......can I phone a friend?"  
  
?No you cannot. It's a simple question to answer, do you want to marry this woman and be with her for all of ETERNITY?!"  
  
"Eternity?" Greg gulps as Suzi nods "No then." There is a loud gasp of shock that ripples through the hall. Trevor runs in all her platypus like glory to the Gryffindor tower with her bridesmaids running after her.  
  
"Thank me, that that's over now, I thought I would have to kill myself!" sighs Suzi in relief. The remaining friends of Trevor started firing mushrooms and hats at Greg and his groomsmen. Suzi motions with her arms and all the guests have disappeared except for the groomsmen and Greg.  
  
"Now that was fun!" said Suzi doing a happy dance.  
  
"Where'd you send them?" asked Keith.  
  
"Well to hell of course, then once they've been good and learnt that mushrooms are not meant to be thrown they are meant to be cuddled they can come back and have fun!"  
  
"Well whose for some firewhiskey?" said Criss as he pulled out a giant crate of firewhiskey "Coz there's a bit too much here for me." So the groomsmen, Greg and Suzi all got drunk.  
  
Meanwhile Trevor was making a voodoo doll of Suzi, Becca was asking her why she was doing such an evil thing to an evil thing, Suzi would just enjoy it.  
  
"If Suzi had not said eternity to my Gweggie Poo then he would be by husband but oh no she had to say eternity, damn her!" replied Trevor whilst stabbing the doll with a needle.  
  
"Well I want to knock Suzi out" said Charlotte "It's my main reason for living, once I have done that, I can die from alcohol poisoning."  
  
"Uh-oh Suzi isn't gunna be a happy two toed sloth" says Becca as she changes into a bunny wabbit and scutters off in the direction of the Great Hall.  
  
After lots of drinking, and many accidents Harry thought he saw a bunny wabbit, he did he did see a bunny wabbit.  
  
"Becca what are you doing here?" Harry asked as he picked her up (still in bunny form). She transformed back and said,  
  
"Trevor and Charlotte are plotting to kill you or just harm you Suzi"  
  
"What?? After all I did for them, come on Becca lets grab the last bottle of firewhiskey and find out what they think they're doing" replied Suzi whilst struggling to get up.  
  
The now both intoxicated animagus' were running down the corridors towards Trevor and Charlotte. Becca was on Suzi's back saying  
  
"I can see the birdies!"  
  
As they reached Trevor and Charlotte they were trying to hurt the voodoo doll Suzi, of course the real Suzi was not in pain all she did was laugh.  
  
"What do you think you're doing? I'm the source of all evil that isn't going to hurt me"  
  
"Our father who art in heaven........." Trevor and Charlotte chanted as Suzi and Becca winced.  
  
"Now that is just plain nasty" Suzi said as she hung them upside down and Becca pegged their mouths shut.  
  
"You are going to beg for my forgiveness because I can make your lives more miserable than they are right now, you will be my minions and you shall never and I repeat never repeat that stupid icky prayer" Suzi shuddered as she said the last word. She motioned for Becca to un-peg their mouths and let them down.  
  
Trevor and Charlotte begged for forgiveness, although it took a long time, they were finally forgiven and everyone had a party all the while forgetting that Trevor's wedding had just not happened.  
  
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What will happen now? Will Suzi remember to bring the guests back from Hell? Will Becca manage to get over her birdie fetish? And most importantly Will Charlotte ever manage to knock Suzi out?  
  
Ciao  
  
Suzi xxx 


	6. Randomness To Fill In The Blanks

Chapter 6: A Random Chapter Just to fill in a very big gap  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN IS OUT ON 31ST MAY AND ME AND SUZI ARE GOING TO SEE IT ON THE 31ST MAY. I CAN'T WAIT. IT'S VERY VERY VERY COOL. I LOVE POA, IT'S THE BEST. I'M PRETTY HIGH NOW. SO ANYWAY, THIS IS THE NEW IMPROVED VERSION OF CHAPTER 6. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.  
  
Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I am not JK Rowling in disguise, therefore I do not own Harry Potter, Keith Starbright or any other persons mentioned in this story (except Becca)  
  
Dedications: Suzi, I love you. Charlotte, I love you. Trevor, you're strange but I love you. Becky, you work too hard, but I love you. Wifery, I've never met you, but I love you. Joe, sorry I don't love you. Greg, let's not go down that road. Alex, don't let the birdies get you and I love you. Heidi, I won't make you snog anyone, I promise and I love you. Sarah, please don't get high again, but I still love you. Steph, I love you and sorry about the scratches. Laura, I love you. Kat, I love you. Emy, I love you. I hope I've not missed anyone. If I have missed you then I'm sorry, and I love you.  
  
On with the story  
  
One morning, Suzi and Becca entered the great Hall eating several gallons of pink cheese. Trevor saw it and wanted some so Becca gave her just a teensy weensy little bit. Then Becca went running outside to the Phantom Ice Cream van and returned carrying 534 ice lollies and gave one to everyone in Gryffindor. Greg, Sean, Criss and Joe set up their band stuff and started playing, so everyone got up and moshed. Then the townies started crawling out of the sewers to beat them up. Becca found her trusty machine gun and they all ran away scared.  
  
In all the mayhem, nobody noticed a certain ruler of the underworld who will not be named run off into a corner with the certain godfather who returned from the dead who also will not be named. I wonder what they were up to...  
  
In a forgotten corner of the castle where Hermione and her new found best friend Becky (the studious ones) went to do their homework a strange and very creepy music was heard floating through a window. Becky and Hermione ran outside and were followed by the brat pack plus anyone who is currently at Hogwarts to watch as Oliver Wood and the underground circus parachuted in. Oliver immediately fell in love with Becky and wandered around in a daze for a while. Becca, Harry and Suzi thought they a circus would be fun. So the circus was put on for the people of Hogwarts.  
  
That night, Becca, Harry and Suzi could be found wandering the corridors well after curfew, although nobody really cared what time they were out until.  
  
"There's not been anything exciting happen for ages," said Suzi.  
  
"Not since Trevor's wedding," said Harry.  
  
"Life's getting really boring," sighed Becca.  
  
"What can we do to liven things up a bit?" said Harry.  
  
"Kill someone," suggested Suzi.  
  
"That's been done to death," said Becca. "We need to do something very different."  
  
"Let me guess," said Suzi. "Something to do with volcanoes or birdies."  
  
"How did you know?" said Becca.  
  
"You are too obvious," said Suzi.  
  
At that point they entered a room where Malfoy, Wifery, Keith and Ginny were watching Armageddon.  
  
"That's what we do," said Harry.  
  
"Save the world?" said Suzi disgustedly.  
  
"No, go into space," said Harry.  
  
"We can't do that," said Becca. "We don't have any rockets."  
  
"It would be easier to climb into a volcano," said Suzi.  
  
"We are not climbing into any volcanoes," said Becca. "Although if you get me one of those silver suit thingies then I might consider it."  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"Ok, fine, so we won't go into space," he said. "Have either of you got any ideas?"  
  
Becca and Suzi looked at each other blankly. Just then, Emy the pixie apparated nearby.  
  
"Hi darlings," she said, hugging Suzi.  
  
"We can dress up as fairies," said Becca.  
  
Suzi stared at her.  
  
"I know, I know," said Becca, slapping her own cheek.  
  
"We could go to the cinema," said Suzi.  
  
"And see what?" asked Harry.  
  
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," said Suzi. "It's out in a week."  
  
Suzi suddenly slapped herself.  
  
"I was wondering when you'd do that," said Becca. "We are at Hogwarts, dumbass, we don't need to see the Harry Potter movie. Sometimes I think you're the blonde one."  
  
Emy wandered off down the very long corridor to find Trevor.  
  
"There's got to be something we can do," said Harry.  
  
"Ah, who cares," said Becca. "Let's just find Charlotte and get drunk."  
  
Having been caught up in the mayhem and hysteria of Trevor's wedding and its aftermath, the death of Dumbledore had been forgotten by everyone. It was only many days later when Becca and Suzi suddenly realised that Dumbledore had Freddy, and now Freddy was lost again. And so commenced the great search of every phone that the brat pack, trio, bridesmaids, groomsmen and other general people could lay their hands on, but Freddy was nowhere to be found.  
  
It was later discovered by Alex that Trevor had not helped search for Freddie at all. In act, she had been extremely busy with a vendetta of her own. She had crucified Mrs Shepherd. After the initial shock of the news, Suzi took it upon herself to congratulate Trevor, before deciding that it was about time that she killed someone herself, and ran off to find the music teacher whose name will not be mentioned (cough Mrs Bowling cough). Sirius, Lily and James had a small discussion in a corner about how much Hogwarts had changed since their time, although strictly speaking Hogwarts really only changed with the arrival of the Brat pack.  
  
Harry and Becca noticed that Suzi and Sirius kept disappearing quite regularly at the same time and then returning together. Very suspicious don't you think. Trevor and Charlotte began plotting a way to get Greg and Trevor back together and split Suzi and Sirius up (those shag happy people). It was lunch in the Great Hall when Fuzz burst through the doors on a Harley proclaiming that she was in love with Greg and she would stop at nothing to get him. Greg hid under the table looking scared. Kat and Becca glared at Fuzz. Kat, Suzi and Becca stood up, with weapons in hand. Swords, pegs, knives and of course the trusty machine gun....  
  
Fuzz's funeral was held the following week with everyone attending, including Emy the Pixie, Kat, Suzi and Becca, although Suzi, Kat and Becca spent most of the time playing rock, paper, scissors at the back. Rock is dead, long live paper and scissors. Anyway, this meant that they didn't really follow what was going on, which is probably good, seeing as they weren't in the mourning mood.  
  
Later, Becca, Suzi and Harry were taking part in their usual nightly activity of wandering the corridors. Suzi was explaining to Harry how it is possible to circumcise a poodle with a frozen tangerine. Sirius, Lily and James met them somewhere between Transfiguration and Divination and they decided that it was time to prank the Slytherins. After many debates and much delegation it was decided that at lunch the next day they would make all the Slytherins turn into fluffy orange wildebeests.  
  
Lunchtime came, and all the Slytherins had been sprayed with potion (due to the faulty sprinkler system in Greenhouse 4.13). At midday exactly a loud popping noise came from the Slytherin table. Harry, Suzi, Sirius, Becca, Lily and James congratulated themselves on a job well done, although they were disappointed the Snape couldn't have been involved in the fun.  
  
The next day Greg ate an ostrich, then puked it up on Becca. Becca wiped it on a cloth, then Trevor somehow got it down Greg's pants. We won't ask. So Becca then set fire to Greg, who, by hugging her, then set fire to Becca. Becca who screamed, kicked him in the balls, then ran away and rolled on the floor, before taking a bath in antiseptic stuff. Suzi, who was laughing maniacally, jumped into an army bomber, flew it somewhere overhead and dropped a bomb, which left a huge crater in the middle of the Quidditch pitch. Malfoy decided to get in on the action, so he grabbed a machete and tried shooting everyone with it (nobody ever said that Malfoy was smart). Harry, whilst laughing at Malfoy's stupidity, stole Becca's pegs and fastened them onto Malfoy's ears. Suzi, meanwhile, landed the bomber and ran into the Great Hall carrying a pitchfork (very subtle). Heidi (one of the bridesmaids) decided that this was an excellent opportunity to shove a jellyfish up Joe Taylor's ass. Although amusing, nobody was quite sure how she managed it. Becca returned singing the Teletubby song. Becky and Hermione began hurling very large and heavy books at everyone they could see. Keith started raping a circumcised poodle and Ginny started shaking her hair in Crabbe's face. Steph scared everyone by standing in the middle of the Great Hall and singing every song from the 2004 Eurovision Song Contest (but seriously, who doesn't love Eurovision?). Joe started munching on his pink with sliver streaks sweets and Becca felt it was time to ask the birdies for help. Hundreds upon hundreds of bright yellow rubber ducks fell from the ceiling. Becca ran around screaming "I can see the birdies" until Harry and Suzi grabbed her and slapped her. Charlotte ran around screaming that she was hallucinating until Alex and Kat informed her that there really were rubber ducks in the hall. Laura hid in a corner with a cushion on her head proclaiming that she was less insane than everyone else (who is she trying to fool?). Things were starting to get out of hand when Ron arrived and shouted silence, which everyone ignored. So Suzi looked at Becca, who realised that there was nothing else left to do. So, Becca pulled out her trusty machine gun and strafed everyone.  
  
Later in the hospital wing, Suzi, Becca and Harry had time to reflect on the day's events.  
  
"Well, that was interesting," said Harry.  
  
"Yep," said Becca. "But I wonder where Wifery was."  
  
"I know," said Suzi. "She never showed up."  
  
"Good job with the machine gun, by the way," said Harry.  
  
"Thanks," said Becca. "I've got to say Suzi, that army bomber stunt was very cool."  
  
"I laughed so hard when Malfoy had those pegs on his ears," said Suzi.  
  
"And when Heidi shoved the jellyfish up Joe's ass," said Harry.  
  
"Do either of you have any idea how she managed it?" asked Becca.  
  
"Not a clue," said Suzi.  
  
"Nope," said Harry.  
  
"You should have seen your face when you got hugged by the burning Greg," laughed Suzi.  
  
"It was awful," said Becca. "I am not going down that road again. Ever. Oh God, the memories."  
  
Becca started to cry hysterically.  
  
"Its ok," said Suzi. "Its over now."  
  
"Yeah," said Becca. "It is."  
  
Becca, Suzi and Harry all hugged each other."  
  
"So, how long do you think it'll be before they all wake up?" asked Harry.  
  
"Who knows?" said Suzi, with an evil grin. "You did well Becca."  
  
"Thank you," said Becca.  
  
Will everyone ever wake up? Will Becca ever get over her birdie obsession? Will Trevor and Greg ever get back together? Will Becky and Hermione ever not get top marks in anything? Will Charlotte ever overcome her alcoholism? Will Suzi ever succeed in destroying the world? I don't know. You'll just have to wait and see.  
  
The fight does seem pretty random doesn't it. Some of it came from some old ooc roleplay, some of it actually happened (pegs on Malfoy's ears, although it wasn't Harry and Malfoy, it was other people). And some if it came out of my slightly twisted imagination. So there you have it. A random chapter with no plot or purpose. Kind of like every other chapter in this story.  
  
Anyway, chapter 7 is on its way.  
  
Becca – Don't let the Birdies get you! 


	7. What Happens, Happens!

Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)

Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists

Genre: General/Comedy

Rating: R

Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts.

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright so don't sue please. Any references to God aren't meant to offend anyone, they are purely for the story, if you have a problem with this then don't read it!

Dedications: To Becca, couldn't have done it without you and your persuasion, to my alter-ego Montgomery, without you I wudn't have started this, to Kat and Steph who just act randomly weird, to Laura and her bad Irish accent, to Charlotte who is just a crazy kid, to Sarah D who sits outside KFC with me, to Wifery (Taylor Valentine) for being a porn star nun and to Dave the monkey for the Keith Starbright thing. Luv ya all!!! big over-exagerrated kisses to everyone

Feel free to ignore the bad jokes, they are just there cuz i was looking at bad jokes. :-)

There will be a character death but it isn't as obvious as you may think as you read.

Anyway on with the malarky!

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"Keith Starbright!" shouted a furious red headed girl by the the name of Ginny Weasley, "I know your in there. What are you doing?" A closed door lay shut in her face as muffled voices came from within the room. A few moments later the door opened and there stood Keith, Fred and George all with innocently innocent looks upon their usually mischevious faces. (First sign of trouble)

"What is it dear? We were just checking the toilets to make sure that they worked errr safely" says Keith whilst leading Ginny away towards the Gryffindor common room, where a group of rebel first years were attempting to set fire to a portrait of the great Barnabus Freebly, first wizard in Antarctica.

"How come I don't believe you then?" asked Ginny once they had moved away from Fred and George.

"Because you're not very trusting maybe!" replied Keith, his only answer was a slap across the face and the sound of angry footsteps and curses all the way up the girls' staircase.

"How's it coming you guys?" asked Becca removing her face from a pan full of pickled onion and chive pancake batter.

"Soon she will forgive me, soon I will get her to be mine" replied Keith in a very Suzi like manner.

"Yes because that didn't at all sound bad to those at home did it Keith?" Becca said before grabbing her wand and removing the pancake batter from her face, "I'm bored!" she said suddenly. "Lets have a joke contest whilst we wait for Harry and that lot to get back from that super secret important meeting that they are having in the kitchens about who is the traitor amongst us!" Keith agreed and pulled Suzi, Wifery and Charlotte in for the game.

"Why did the witch put her broom in the washing machine?" Becca starts whilst everyone else shrugs, "she wanted to have a clean sweep!" Laughter broke out between the friends but one look of conufsion came from Charlotte.

"I don't get it!" Charlotte screamed into the masses.

"Never mind Charlotte, tell us your joke" Keith replied with a gesture for her to stand up. Charlotte decided to stay sat down as she had consumed a lot of alcohol that day, though no more than any other day but no less than any other day.

"How do you know if the teacher loves you?" Charlotte said with a smirk, "he/she puts kisses by all your sums" The brat pack burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the joke.

"Well then everyone minus Becca must be extrememly loved" Suzi quipped before bursting into a fit of giggles herself. After 20 minutes and a threat of no beer if Suzi and Becca didn't stop rolling all over the floor, Keith made his joke known to the group.

"Why do cannibals like motorway cafes?" after this a few shouts came out proclaiming that they knew this one, "because they serve all sorts of drivers in them!" finished Keith.

"That wasn't funny" shouted Wifery whilst Keith sat down grumpily.

"Well then lets see whether you can do better" challenged Keith.

"Fine then...erm...why are babies so jolly?" shrugs were seen all round, "because they're so full of nappiness!" Groans could be heard throughout the room.

"Oooooh my go, my go! What do devil's drink?" said Suzi with an evil smirk on her face.

"Demonade!" shouted Becca.

"That may be what the joke books say but technically it isn't correct, i drink beer aswell and i've never heard of this so called demonade!" ranted Suzi whilst stamping her feet and causing a small earthquake.

"Erm guys...I think we kinda have a problem with the contest" Charlotte said breaking Suzi's concentration on her ranting, "No one was judging it...so technically no one has won or lost...we did it for nothing!" Growls of frustration were heard from around the room as the trio plus Malfoy walked through the portrait hole.

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Later on, Suzi, Becca and Harry are left in the Gryffindor common room, with nothing to do.

"Hey! Do you want me to teach you both to play quidditch?" asked Harry as a white dove flew in through the window and landed before Suzi.

"Of course I would Harry" Becca replied whilst batting her eyelashes, "What's the dove for Suzi?" Suzi pulled a letter from the dove and said,

"Rain check?" Suzi said whilst getting up from her seat "I have a chess game with God, have fun you two" Suzi added as she grinned suspiciously at Becca and left in a flash of lightning.

"Wow everyone but us has lives, I mean Ron is studying with Hermione, Luna and Neville have gone on a quest for the truth behind monkeys wearing spandex, Fred and George are doing some sort of pranks somewhere, Charlotte and her booze are off becoming drunked, Keith is trying to get Ginny to talk to him, my parents, Sirius and Remus were making a life size paper mache Millenium Falcon last time I saw them and Wifery and Malfoy are somewhere taming snakes," Harry said whilst Becca giggled at the last line.

"Well lets go down to the quidditch pitch and have some fun of our own" Becca replied whilst dragging Harry through the portrait hole.

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A corridor full of light lay ahead of Suzi, as she walked towards her destination, Limbo.

"You made it I see" a cheerful voice spoke out from somewhere in the deserted wasteland, also known as Limbo.

"I showed, now what was so important that you had to send your right hand dove to come and get me?" Suzi added her facial features hardening into a glare as a figure stepped out from a shadow.

"I figured out something" God answered.

"Well done you've finally figured out that i'm better than you" replied Suzi sarcastically.

"I figured out a way to make my world perfect" God smugly said.

"Oh yeah, and you don't think i'll stop you" snorted Suzi in a very unlady-like way.

"Well my dear, you will be dead and all your followers forced into the harsh light of day" said God whilst taking a blue fireball out of his pocket.

"You haven't been able to do this before, why now?" Suzi asked whilst cautiously looking at the fireball.

"Because you will be powerless forever, as you are in limbo, as soon as this fireball touches your skin" Suzi darted for the door only to find that God was standing there.

"Don't fight it" God said as he threw the fireball at Suzi, she ducked, "You see your friends won't even miss you, you're nothing" flashes came into Suzi's brain of her friends at this moment in time.

flash

In the library, Hermione and Ron are snuggled closely in the restricted section "reading books"

flash

On the quidditch pitch, Becca flying trying to catch the snitch as Harry cheers her on.

flash

In the forest, Luna and Neville talking to some monkey's in pink spandex catsuits.

flash

In the Slytherin common room, Malfoy and Wifery are making the snakes dance to the macarena.

flash

In the Gryffindor common room, Ginny and Keith are snuggling in front of the fire talking quietly.

flash

In the astronomy tower, Charlotte is singing the sugar song on her back with an array of empty booze bottles spread around her.

flash

In the girls' dorm, Fred and George are blowing up the beds and putting whipped cream all over everything.

flash

In Remus' office, Lily, James, Sirius and Remus are attempting to make a life size Millenium Falcon.

flash

Back to reality, Suzi darts out of the exit of limbo and manages to apparate to a deserted muggle pub.

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Wifery had been taming snakes for hours on end, and now it was just plain boring, excusing herself from Malfoy's presence, she walked to the apparation point and apparated to a muggle pub that she used to go to. There she found Suzi nearly swimming in her beer.

"What's wrong sweetie?" asked Wifery when Suzi showed no signs of acknowledging her presence.

"God has found a way to defeat me" replied Suzi looking even more unhappy as she said it. Wifery sat there dumbfounded thinking how is this possible?

As the girls were thinking to themselves a dashing bartender came up to them and asked what they wanted. Of course the answer was the strongest thing you've got and leave the bottle. The man brought their drinks and tapped Suzi in the hand saying it may never happen. Too late did either girl realise that this was God and that he had just put the blue fireball on Suzi's skin. As Suzi collapsed, he turned to Wifery and said that she would be sane, and with that all the crazyness in Wifery had gone. All that was left was a boring empty shell of a Wifery and a helpless Suzi. God advanced towards them.........

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"Surprise!" shouted the guests as a shocked looking Ginny Weasley stepped onto the grass surrounding Hogwarts. Birthday decorations and banners were put up so that they shouted things such as 'happy birthday' and 'haha you're old' at Ginny when she walked under them.

Many kinds of unhealthy foods were put onto the tables surrounding the party area, a big pile of presents lay in one corner, but something seemed wrong. Very wrong.

"Have you seen Suzi or Wifery?" asked Keith, "They said that they'd be here to help with the decorations but they never showed up"

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked as Keith escorted her away with reassurances that everything was fine.

The sun started to shine a little brighter and people started to smile, well those that weren't evil in some way. What was going on? It was starting to become creepy, the non-stop smiling. A figure dressed in white waved in the distance proclaiming, "I am God" in a calm and soothing way.

Becca immediately began to wonder whether this was a looney from azkaban or whether this was Suzi's immortal enemy, if so where was Suzi?

"Suzi!!! Where are you?!!" shouted Becca whilst walking around looking under tables.

"Oh you mean that annoying devil in that silly little girl's body?" replied God looking smug.

"Yes that's her! Have you seen her?" asked Becca as Wifery walked out of nowhere looking rather bored and vacant. God never answered he just gestured towards another figure lying on the floor looking vacant, obviously dead.

"She is back in Hell and she can never return here. This is the Kingdom of God!" He replied before disappearing.

The world was in distress, many cried over the loss of Suzi, but they couldn't stop smiling. Everyone wore sunglasses to hide the scorching sun, those who suffered whilst Suzi was here, begged for the pain she brought. It was unbearable, for some it was unlivable, so many commited suicide. Among those was the person who Suzi promised a place in Hell, Charlotte Foley.

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Yeah yeah yeah! I know i'm really mean but its took me so long to finish this that i deserve to do what i want. I know this is a Suzi centric chapter but it had to be done.

Hugs, Kisses and Antelopes

Luv Suzi x


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